Airplane & Airport Etiquette

Something happened to our society a while back.  Things changed.  Many changes are for the better.  While others should be carefully rethought.  The way people act in airports, on planes, while boarding planes and disembarking from planes are some of the things I think might need a little re-thinking.  So, for your convenience, I have put together a few rules that you might consider following the next time you choose to take flight.

1. In the terminal, until they call your boarding group, remain seated.  They even tell you this before they start calling boarding groups.  There is a reason for it.  It keeps you out of the way so that the people in the boarding groups that have already been called are able to get to the gate without weaving through dozens of people who have stopped in the middle of everything with 3 suitcases piled up around them and earbuds in so that they can't hear the constant "excuse me's" of people trying to navigate around them.  They simply remain oblivious to the havoc they are creating by merely existing in that 4' X 4' space.  
2. NEWSFLASH!!!!  Both bottled water and Starbucks coffee are liquid.  This means you cannot carry them in any form through the TSA checkpoint.  Once you are capable of distinguishing a solid from a liquid, all the rest of this stuff gets easier.
3. Once you get on the plane, choose an overhead compartment as close as possible to your seat to place your carry-on in.  You idiots who take the first available space after coming out of 1st class when you know you are seated in 34F are the reason those other idiots felt the need to stand in everyone's way during pre-boarding.  It was their pathetic attempt to be the first in their boarding group so that perhaps they could get a space just above their seat for their carry-on.  
4. When the flight attendant says it is time to turn off all electronic devices, say goodbye to Mary Lou and turn your damn cell phone off.  Yes, I am talking to you.  None of us want to hear your stupid conversation with your secretary in which you are just trying to sound much more important than you really are.  P.S.  Unless you are a big time executive, you probably don't even have a secretary anymore, there's this little thing called Microsoft Office and most people take care of their own spreadsheets and documents now.  So, if you are pretending to have a secretary, be aware that you probably should also be traveling in 1st class or on a corporate jet.  
5. One full week before you travel, start taking mega doses of Vitamin C, Airborne, Ziacam and eat all of your spinach.  I don't want your cold.  I'm not sure what about an airplane forces people who seemed perfectly healthy during pre-boarding to suddenly begin coughing and wheezing as though they have just contracted TB, but I don't want your germs.  If you have to do it, cough into your elbow or better yet get up and go to the lavatory so that I can remain oblivious to the fact that I am being exposed to TB.
6. There are public restrooms in practically all airports now days.  Use them before boarding.  I understand that during a long flight, going to the lavatory may be unavoidable.  But when you are flying from Houston to Dallas, I think you can "hold it" for 45 minutes to keep everyone in your row from getting up and letting you out of your window seat.  If you are one of those people who has to "tinkle" every 10 minutes, then do us all a favor and request an aisle seat.
7. If you are traveling with a small child or infant, prepare for your flight upfront.  Be aware that flying is not comfortable for your infant.  Popping ears are uncomfortable.  I hear that Benedryl works wonders for getting an infant through a flight.  Small children require entertainment for a long flight.  Quiet toys, coloring books, IPads full of movies with earbuds and other forms of quiet electronic entertainment will go a long way toward insuring that your fellow travelers don't want to kill you and stuff your body into the overhead compartment.  Please keep in mind that we normally feel only sympathy for the child while we fantasize about ways in which to dispose of your body.
8. Unless you are wearing sandals, do not take your shoes off on the airplane.  If anyone in the world wanted to inhale smelly feet, there would be cardboard air fresheners on strings with a "smelly feet" fragrance built in.  There are not.  That is because it is a disgusting odor and the rest of the human race doesn't think that your sweaty feet smell good.  Keep them to yourself.
9. The person forced to sit in the middle seat gets first dibs on the armrests.  If you are on an aisle or a window seat, you have one armrest.  The poor pathetic soul who got stuck with the middle seat gets both of the armrests in the middle.  End of discussion.
10. If a person seated next to you is reading, listening to anything with earbuds or headphones, or simply going out of their way to keep from making eye contact with you, it means they prefer not to make light conversation with you.  Respect their privacy.  
11. Please don't get up until the captain has turned off the seatbelt sign....  idiot.
12. Once the plane has made a complete stop at the jetway and the captain has turned off the seatbelt sign, if you are in seat 34C, there is really no point in jumping out of your seat as though you were spring loaded into it and immediately opening the overhead compartment hitting the people seated around you with your overweight carry-on as you drag it down so that you can stand for 10 minutes waiting.  There are 33 rows that must exit the aircraft before you can even begin to get off.  Relax!
13. Once you walk through the airplanes door entering the jetway, it is conceivable that you might need to readjust the load that you are carrying.  There is a wide spot there where the jetway connects to the airplane for wheel chairs, strollers and so on.  If you can move into that spot to make your adjustments, go for it.  However, if you are unable to move over so that other people can get around you, then just tough it out and get out of the way before you drop everything and start working on adjusting your shoulder strap just right.  You will survive until you get out of the jetway before getting perfectly comfortable with the load you are carrying.  
14. As you walk off of the jetway, move over to one side before stopping to view the TV screens with departure and baggage terminal information.  Others still need to get off of the airplane.
15. Your entire traveling party of 10 people does not need to stand up against the baggage carousel to retrieve the 3 checked suitcases.  Those not picking up a suitcase, can stand out of the way with all of the carry-on's so that others who actually do need to retrieve a bag can get to it.  
16. The white area is for loading and unloading only.

Maybe I am wrong, but I really don't believe that any of this is rocket science.  Chances are your 2nd grader knows all of these rules.  Most of them are common courtesy or simple logic.  I know, I know....  Courtesy???  Logic???  As a tax paying American, you shouldn't have to think of anyone but yourself.  It's all about you, right?  If you want to stop right in the middle of a walkway, the rest of the world just needs to deal with it and go around.  Maybe... or maybe we'll just keep walking and run you over with our overweight carry-ons.