The family roadtrip used to be totally different than it is today. We didn't have all the modern conveniences of today. There were no GPS's, no satellite radio, no built in TV's. We couldn't even print from Google Maps before the roadtrip began. And forget about iPads, ipods or iphones. We didn't have any of those crazy space age "iconveniences". It was survival of the fittest, man. When the family of five got in the car to drive from east Texas to Oregon on a warm Texas July morning, the only question was; how many will make it back?
I saw something on the news yesterday that Honda is putting built-in vacuum cleaners in the new Odyssey's for 2014. So if one of the little rascals spills something, you can presumably have someone vacuum while you continue to drive. My Mom would have been in heaven with something like that while we were kids. Of course she would have waited until we were all asleep and then crawled into the back very quietly pulling the vacuum out while Dad continued to drive. She'd go all stealth trying to be as quiet as possible right up until she switched it on. Then there'd be no other sound in the world to the five people in the minivan other than the deafening vaaaaahhhhhhhh-rrrrroooooooooooooooooooooommmm of the vacuum cleaner as Cheerio's rattled around inside. We'd all wake up in a near state of shock and then she'd switch it off and look around innocently saying, "Oh! I'm sorry!!!! Did that wake you? I just needed to get those Cheerio's up off the floor....." The only thing that would make her happier would be if there was a dishwasher full of pots and pans built into the back that she could unload while we all attempted sleep also in the minivan.
The fact that you drove along in a 4 door sedan with five people in it who could all lean over just slightly and touch makes it all totally different from today. There were no SUV's back in the day. There was no 3rd row of seats. If my brother, Ronnie wanted to make me totally insane all he had to do was lean over an inch or so and touch me on my arm or leg and I would go nuts. Mom would turn half way around in the front passenger seat and tell Ronnie to stop touching me and all would be well for a few minutes. Then he would do it again, I guess just to see if he could get by with it. I'll just go ahead and tell you. He couldn't. I would immediately yell, "RONNIE STOP!!!" loud enough so that not only every occupant in the car could hear and KNOW that Ronnie was touching me, but most of the state that we were in would also become aware and mom would turn back around and say "DON'T touch her again...." The last part of that sentence was spoken somewhat softly, you know like Dirty Harry would say it. Sort of like "Go ahead PUNK. Make my day...." Mom was always good at the threat. It made you not really want to test her, which I suppose was the point.
The good kid always had to sit in he middle, on the hump, as we called it. I know it doesn't seem fair, but it made sense. You see the good kid could have been either me or Robbie depending on the time and day and who had last been in a scuff with Ronnie. It usually wasn't Ronnie. The good kid acted as a buffer between the other two. So if Ronnie was touching me and we got into it, then me and Robbie would have to switch places to keep me and Ronnie separated. I vividly remember an occasion in which I was acting as the buffer when Robbie and Ronnie were so mad at each other that they were reaching over me to hit each other, which meant I may have been touched in the fray and I can tell you that didn't go over well. The words, "Am I going to have to pull this car over?" were then spoken from the front seat and the fracas ended immediately.
If you add to tight confines of sedans of the 60's and 70's the fact that back in the day we used paper maps and had to get one for each state that we were visiting it really got interesting. Then you'd unfold the map covering most of the drivers line of sight in order to find the specific area of the state that you were in or headed to then tried to pinpoint the city you were attempting to reach. This could take several minutes. If we were close to where Dad thought we were supposed to turn, things would get a little tense in the car. Dad would be like "You've gotta tell me where to TURN!" and Mom would be yelling "WELL, I CAN'T EVEN FIND THE ROAD WE'RE ON!!!!" So then everybody would try to help.... "We just pased Junction 281" someone would call out. Another kid would say "The sign says we're 4 miles from Tucumcari!" The response to that statement was always puzzling to me.... "What sign?" one of the parents would ask looking up from the map that they were both studying now even though one of them was still driving. Then you'd quietly respond, "The one we just passed". In my head I'd be thinking "did you think I saw one we didn't pass?????" But you couldn't say that out loud. You had to keep the peace in the 4 door sedan full of tense people.
By the end of a trip from Texas to Oregon and then back again there would be nine individual state maps in the glove compartment along with a master map of the western United States. By the time you were in Colorado on that last full day, the challenge became just finding the right damn map in all of that mess since they were all folded incorrectly and the name of the state was somewhere several folds in. I can tell you that you will be somewhat challenged as you approach an intersection if there are maps in your glove compartment folded in the shape of a triangle. Mom had tricks to keep us occupied in the back seat before built in TV's with DVD players. One was "Why don't you fold this map?" Really???? That's how you are going to keep me entertained for the next 1,000 miles???? But it made her happy if you started folding the map, so you folded. The other trick was to give us the maps and tell us where we were and where we wanted to end the day and tell us to find a good scenic route to get there by. When we thought we found one, they would ask how many miles it was. So then you had to do math adding up all the little numbers along the line indicating your route and you'd come up with a number. (It was a rotten trick to get us to do math during the summer and I was on to them. But I did it anyway.) If Mom and Dad approved the route you had found we would follow it and I was always proud when a route I had suggested turned out to be pretty.
When I was 12 and we went to Oregon our car was pretty state of the art. It had an AM/FM radio AND an 8-Track Tape Player. That's right.... we were big time. Of course there was a lot of luggage and necessities to fit into the trunk of that '76 Granada so we were limited on the number of big bulky 8-track tapes we could bring along. I cannot tell you how many times during that trip I listened to Eddie Arnold singing about his "lonesome cattle call...." For someone who hated country music, this part of the trip was brutal. So, I was always the first one to suggest when we lost a radio station due to range that we start singing. I was willing to sing along with the family on any song to avoid that damn "cattle call" one more time. Our family had a set "playlist", if you will, that we sang while driving. Most of the songs we sang were by either Johnny Cash, Roger Miller or Marty Robbins. I'm not sure why we stuck to those artists, but they were the ones we always gravitated to. Anytime the car became silent and one person said "Bullet in my shoulder....." the rest of the car would respond with "blood running down my vest; twenty in the posse, they're never gonna let me reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeest...." and then we would sing for an hour.
We also played this game where Dad would point out an object in front of us and say "I think that radio tower is 3.4 miles away". Then we would all take our guesses as to how far away we thought it was and the closest person to the correct distance when we passed the tower would win that round and choose the next object. We played I Spy a lot. But it was almost a little too conventional for our family. When it rained we would pick out drops of water on a window and race them. Yes, go ahead and say it... we WERE pathetic. But I defy you to keep your kids entertained all the way to Oregon and back in 2013 with no electronic devices. You can't do it. You would crack under the pressure.
During the trip to Oregon in 1976 I learned many valuable things that have gotten me through a lot over the years. I learned the intricacies of map reading. I learned that no matter how many fresh cherries your Aunt Nina gives you to bring home to Texas with you, the state of Idaho won't let you take them through there. So, you have to eat them all before you leave Oregon. I learned that there is one part of the world more desolate than west Texas. It is called Nevada. I learned that the one sure way to make Ronnie wear a seat belt is just to drive through mountains with shear drop offs on one side of the car. Who knew Ronnie was terrified of heights???!?!?! But perhaps the most important thing I learned is that if you want to make five people completely sick at 6:30 a.m. just stop at any random Denny's and order a stack of pancakes covered in whipped cream and chocolate sauce. I not only succeeded in making myself sick but nobody in the car wanted to eat for a couple of days after that.
Today's modern conveniences may have ruined the few road trips that people still go on. Let's face it, National Lampoon's Vacation could never have been a hit in 1983 if we hadn't all been thinking the same thing as we watched it... Oh My GOD! My Dad really IS Clark Griswold!!!!! If the Griswold's had Sirrus/XM the movie could never have been made.
In case you are heading out on a roadtrip for Easter weekend, have a safe trip and try throwing a map at one of your kids and getting them to fold it. It'll keep them entertained for hours....
No comments:
Post a Comment