How To Piss Off A Plane Full Of People In 10 Easy Steps

....And the Consequences....

My regular travel buddy is in Puerto Rico right now with her nephew Geoff.  She took him for graduation.  Isn't that nice?  I wish she was my aunt.  Or I wish I was my aunt..... but I digress.  This is not what we are talking about today.  Yesterday she texted me from the airplane at 1:30.  They were supposed to have taken off at 1:05 PM.  (I know this because I am their travel agent and am currently looking at the booking.)  I'm not sure what time they got on the plane, but they were apparently still sitting on the tarmac 25 minutes after they were scheduled to take off and she said it was hot and the people behind her were annoying.....  Okay, that's not really what she said.  Here's an exact quote:  "Ugh still sitting on the plane.  Hot!!!!  You would kill the people behind me.  He is obnoxious and they are playing music... Heard of ear buds??  Yikes.  But.... Still on vacation!"  Apparently, immediately after sending me this text they were told to put electronic devices away because I texted her several times immediately after getting the text and never got a response.

I was struck by several things from the text.  One was that she assumed I was the one who would turn homicidal on an airplane.  Do I really fly off the handle so easily that my friends assume I would stand up on a plane full of people and commit murder?  I find that hard to believe since just yesterday in my personal blog, I stated that I was unable to kill a tarantula in my garage because it was big and would have made a mess.  Therefore, I could never kill a human because they are even bigger and would leave an even larger mess!  I mean, this isn't rocket science.... humans bleed.... a lot!  And I can't even watch a movie where people get shot because of the blood and guts that you see.  How could I possibly create that mess myself.  But again....  I digress!

Another thing that struck me about the text was that she still had her positive "I'm on vacation attitude" that can remain in place through a lot.  That's good.  You need that attitude at the beginning of a vacation that involves flight because most people are really rude and stupid.

The last thing that struck me about her text and my topic for today is this....  How can members of our society be so self absorbed that they fail to recognize that there are other people around them and although in their tiny little minds they are the lead actor in this little movie called My Life, none of the rest of us purchased a ticket for the movie and we sure as hell don't want to watch it?  So, because of this, I decided to make my blog today about the top 10 things that people do on planes (and in airports) that really piss people off and what might happen to you if you do them around just the right people.  I think the one that Jenny brought up, listening to a personal electronic device of any kind without ear buds will probably fall pretty close to the top of the list but it is definitely NOT number 1.  There could never be a question about number 1.  So without further ado, I present you with HOW TO PISS OFF A PLANE FULL OF PEOPLE IN 10 EASY STEPS....


10.  Be one of the first people on the airplane and make sure that your seat is in the very back, but place your big bulky carry-on luggage that probably doesn't even fit within the size restrictions in the overhead compartment directly above my seat (20 rows in front of you) filling it up so that I can't use it and have to put mine 4 rows back making it impossible for me to disembark when the plane lands.  

The consequences of this action can vary depending on my mood.  Either I can tell the people behind me to go ahead of me because I can't get to my carry-on which is 4 rows behind me, OR I make eye contact with a tall person in the row that my carry-on is above and ask them politely to please hand me that cute hardside, herringbone print, rolling bag above them, OR I rudely scale 4 rows of seats standing on the backs of them while holding onto the overhead compartment and pull my bag free possibly hitting an innocent bystander in the head.

That last possibility is optimal since it would succeed in pissing the most people off and after all the name of the game is pissing off a plane full of people.  But again, that would depend on your mood and also whether or not you have chosen to wear a skirt on this flight.  

9.  As soon as the person announcing the boarding procedures picks up the mic to talk, regardless of where you are sitting, which boarding group you are in or anything else, immediately stand up and rush toward her crowding out all the priority boarding passengers and people who are supposed to board before you.  Then stack your oversized carry-on's in the floor all around you to further block things off and sneer at the first class passengers and handicapped people as they walk and wheel themselves around your big bulky ass.

The only major consequence of this action for you might be that as some of the healthier people make their way around you, they might "bump" into you inadvertently or possibly knock one of your bags over causing a person in a wheel chair to maybe run over it.  But those are small prices to pay in insuring that it continues to be all about you.

8.  As soon as you arrive at the airport, go get the biggest cup of coffee you can find then make your way to the boarding area.  Once there, put your oversized carry-on (that probably contains illegal substances) in one chair, pull your laptop out of another carry-on bag and place that bag in a chair on the other side of you, then  balance your coffee precariously in a third chair, whip out your cell phone and start working in your brand new private office as you stretch your legs across the aisle to prop them up on another chair.  The coffee is important in this scenario because it acts as an alarm for the idiot in the business suit on his cell phone who is taking up roughly 10% of all the seating area available to passengers arriving for the flight.  If the cup moves at all, he knows that someone is getting too close to his personal office and he is actually ballsy enough to stop talking on the phone and typing on his laptop for just a second and whisper to you....  "Watch it, don't spill the coffee...." before going back to his phone conversation.

If he is really hot and not wearing a wedding band he could survive this without any coffee dripping off of his high priced suit.  But chances are, my cute little hardside, herringbone print rolling bag is going to bump the chair containing his coffee as I walk away.  So be prepared.

7.  Bring a newborn infant on the plane with you and whatever you do, make sure that the baby gets a good long nap just before boarding so that it can remain awake throughout the flight.  If you could also make sure that it is VERY hungry when you board and fail to bring along the correct formula or just refuse to feed the baby during the trip, that'd be great.....  Thanks s'much.

Consequences....  I'm programming the number for CPS in my cell phone as I type this.

6.  Come running on the airplane last just before they close the doors and have two carry-on's.  One that needs to go in an overhead bin is a must.  Also, if you could be wearing a business suit so that you need to take the jacket off and place it in an overhead bin very neatly after making sure that you get perfect creases in just the right spots, that'd be great.....  Take your time!  The plane can't leave while you're standing up anyway.  So you stand there as long as you like looking for a place to put all of your stuff.  Call a couple of flight attendants over.  Depending on the fit of your suit they'll be sure and move my carry-on back a few rows behind me so that you can get yours right where you want it.

Consequences for this one can be found following Step #10.

5.  Once you are on the airplane, immediately pull your cell phone out and push a button to start talking.  Then talk in your loudest possible voice as though you are using a tin can and a piece of string to communicate with someone in China.  Be sure and talk with authority and about large sums of money so that everyone on the plane knows exactly how important you are.

No major consequences here unless you were hoping to go out with any woman on the plane.  They won't be able to go out with you because they can't stop rolling their eyes long enough to make eye contact with you when you approach them.

4.  If you are seated in a window seat, take a laxative just before boarding the plane so that you will be forced to get up and make everyone else in your row get up the maximum number of times while you go back and forth to the lavatory.  Make sure that the final time you force everyone up is just after the captain has turned on the fasten your seatbelt sign and announced that we are making our final approach.

You may or may not be able to get back into your seat that final time.  Perhaps the plane will just go ahead and land while you get thrown around in the lavatory.  Worst case scenario, maybe you become famous because the plane must circle the airport again and make another approach while we wait for a group of angry passengers to tackle you and drag you back to your seat and buckle you in.

3.  If you are seated in the middle of the row, look around you at the passengers on either side.  Are they wearing ear buds and seemingly engrossed in a book?  If so, EXCELLENT!  This is a sign that they want to spend the next few hours of their life learning all about your business as a fertilizer salesman.  Start talking to the one who looks the least interested very loudly so that they can be sure and hear you over whatever they are listening to on those ear buds.  Take my word for it, they'll appreciate it.

There are really no consequences for this action anymore since the TSA took knives and box cutters out of the equation a number of years ago.  So knock yourselves out!

2.  It doesn't matter where you are seated for this one.  As soon as you are seated, pull out your personal electronic device that you brought along for the journey and turn it on.  Turn the volume up and DO NOT insert ear buds.  Chances are, everyone around you WANTS to listen to the movie or music that you brought along for entertainment.  Hey you're performing a service and don't you forget it!  Oh!  I almost forgot.... when something good happens in your movie laugh really loudly and comment on it to all the other people around.  They LOVE that!

You might find out that your compact DVD player can actually become much more compact than you ever expected.  In fact, it might fit into an orifice of your body that you never anticipated when all is said and done.

1.  When you get off of the plane, be sure to have everyone you have ever met, wives, husbands, life partners, children, distant cousins, everyone, meet you in baggage claim.  Then shove your way up to the carousel bringing all your family and friends with you to take up all the space so that no one else from your flight can get to the area.  Stack all of your carry-on's around you to act as further protection for the baggage claim area.  You must guard it at all costs and keep all other passengers from being able to approach it.  Stand and chat with your family and friends as the baggage goes around the carousel several times not paying attention to whether or not your luggage is going around.  Your goal here is simply to block everyone else from getting their checked luggage and exiting the airport.  Do whatever it takes.  This is your final chance to piss people off and you have to take advantage of it.  After 10 minutes of this, say very loudly to the people with you, "has anyone seen my bag yet?"  When they all respond negatively, describe the single suitcase that the 15 people have arrived to help you collect.  It will be the brown and white polk-a-dot one that has gone around the carousel 5 times in the last 10 minutes.

The consequence for this action could be pretty ugly depending on what else your fellow travelers have endured before, during and after their flights.  All I'm saying is before you start across the cross walk as you exit the terminal, look both ways....