I Hate Mosquitoes!

It's happening again and I don't like it one bit!  Mosquitoes are living in my house and have initiated sneak attacks.  I only began to notice them last night but already I have a number of bites on my body and it freaks me out!  I can deal with the knowledge of a bite from a creature that I saw biting me.  But when I didn't see the bite taking place and suddenly I have them all over the place, I freak!  What is it about my downstairs bathroom that attracts them so well?  Okay, I get it that the toilet has standing water in it.  But there's nothing you can do about that, right?

So, I've decided to concentrate on places I could visit that mosquitoes don't live... EVER!  So after several intense minutes of research I have discovered the only place on the planet that mosquitoes never live.  Ladies and Gentlemen, today we are traveling telepathically to the Antarctica!  I know what you're thinking, sort of extreme, right?  But you do what you have to do to keep from being attacked by the little blood suckers at your very own computer under your staircase while doing nothing more than typing a simple blog entry.  So prepare for a quick flight to South America where we'll board a small ship for an Antarctica cruise.

One of the things that I found most interesting when looking into this is that most cruise lines who cruise the area suggest you leave your parka at home since they provide one for you that you can take home when your cruise ends.  I guess they do this for several reasons but probably mostly because they want to make sure that everyone has a proper coat that will keep them warm enough to avoid too many people in the ships medical office following the first excursion to land.  There's nothing worse on a cruise of any size in any location than an overflowing medical office.

The Antarctica cruising season is from December through February since that is their summer.  During that time of year average temperatures range from 23 to 41 degrees Fahrenheit.  Plus you are on water.  So it feels colder.  I'm normally not a cold weather person, but if this is what it takes to keep mosquitoes away year round, maybe I could suffer through it.  Most Antarctica cruise ships carry no more than 250 passengers.  These are small ships designed to be able to get into tight locations.  The hulls are made to withstand some hits against icebergs so you probably don't need to worry too much about a Titanic repeat while on board.  But what you do have to consider is that if the weather turns bad in a location even though it is on your itinerary you might by-pass it and go someplace else with a simple announcement from the ships captain.  In fact, on most cruises there will be at least one itinerary change during the trip.  So, be flexible.

Another thing to keep in mind for your cruise is that your not on Oasis of the Seas.  There are no swimming pools, but many of the ships do have hot tubs.  There is no FloRider on board or an ice skating rink (if you want ice, you can hang out with the penguins during one of your stops).  Whales, seals, sea lions, and penguins do not swim by on command.  So this might not be the best cruise to the the kiddos on.  They will probably get bored when there are no penguins to see.  In most stops the excursions are just a part of the cruise and everybody does the same thing.  The cruise line will tell you what to expect for each stop prior to the cruise.  Almost all stops will require a tender by Zodiac.  Some may actually use a helicopter tender.  But what this means to you is that if you require a mobility scooter to get around while on board ship, this cruise is not for you.  You must be very mobile to do an Antarctica cruise.

Some of the things you have to carry are:  a couple of pairs of water proof pants, thermal underwear, more than one pair of gloves (they get wet), a couple of pairs of sunglasses, a lightweight rain jacket, a warm hat, sunscreen for any exposed skin, binoculars, a good camera, a waterproof backpack and lots of extra ziplock bags and waterproof non-skid rubber boots.  Leave the Deet at home.


Some of these cruises still have formal nights so you would need to check with your cruise line to determine whether or not you'll need to pack formal clothes.  One of the interesting things about most of these ships is that they do not have assigned dinner seating.  I guess since the ship is so small and you do most excursions together, you sort of get to know everyone anyway.  For more information read the article provided on this link from Cruise Critic.  Have a great trip and enjoy your time away from the mosquitoes!

You-ah NAP-KIN....

Yesterday as I finished up my blog, I was reminded of a story from my youth.  But there was no time to retell it.  So, now you have to read about it today.  During the 9th grade my Dad got transferred and we had to move to Lumberton, Tx.  I left all of my friends in Nacogdoches.  We moved in February.  Later that year one of my very good friends families also moved.  They moved from Nacogdoches to Temple.

So that summer when we wanted to visit each other the logistics weren't that easily dealt with.  But our mothers managed to get us together nevertheless.  When all was said and done, my friend, Dana ended up coming to Beaumont on a bus.  We picked her up at the bus station which was in a seedy part of Beaumont and after a week, my parents drove both of us to Houston and put us on an Amtrak train that took us to Temple.  I then spent a week at Dana's house.  My return trip was also on Amtrak.  I think we may have done this another summer but I'm not sure.  I also recall taking a bus to Temple at least once.  But that might have been after we moved to Bay City.  I don't recall.

During that first train trip to Temple, I remember being awed by everything going on around me.  As a 16 year old I was struck by how old fashioned traveling by train seemed.  The train had a dining car and we went there for breakfast.  This was my first experience with ordering tea and getting hot water and a tea bag rather than a tall refreshing glass of ice tea.  Since then I've always known that when ordering ice tea in unfamiliar surroundings, to add the word "ice" into my order.  But I did manage to drink the hot tea with enough milk and sugar added.  After all, I didn't want to seem uncouth in my first ever grown up travel experience.

After we had entered the dining car, we found a table and sat down.  The tables were sat with white dishes and silverware and there were cloth napkins folded neatly at each place setting.  Almost immediately after we took our seats our waiter, a large African-American gentleman came over and greeted us.  He's the one who took our drink orders not even bothering to ask if I wanted that tea hot or iced.  But that's neither here nor there.  A few minutes later, he brought my tea out.  I'm sure that Dana had ordered a Coke or something.  I don't remember her trying to figure out what to do with teabags.  So, I'm pretty sure, she didn't make my same mistake.  But as the man brought my tea out, my napkin was still neatly folded on my place setting.  He approached with his hands full and paused at my side looked me in the eye an in a very loud and forceful voice said "You-ah NAP-KIN....."  I had no idea what he was saying but I could tell by the way he was looking at me that it was directed at me.  I'm sure that I gave him a big ol' deer in the headlights look.  He stood there with his hands full and then said again, "You-ah NAP-KIN...."  Just a little louder.  I think I began looking around me to see if I could figure out what "You-ah NAP-KIN...." might mean in english.

Finally, after he had said it three or more times, I looked at my napkin and realized this was what he was talking about.  But I still didn't get that he wanted me to remove it from the table and place it on my lap.  Hey, I was 16 and from east Texas, don't judge!  I don't recall exactly how many times he said it before he finally gave up, put Dana's drink down and then whipped my napkin off of my place setting with a flourish and placed it on my lap.  Most people were looking at our table to see who had upset the waiter by the time this had been done.  I was mortified.  After that, I wasn't all into the dining car anymore.  The remainder of the day was very long and by the end of the train ride, we had spent several hours sitting in a corn field just outside of Temple as workers worked to fix some train tracks that had buckled so that we could pass.  But I wasn't taken to task by any other waiters.

When I returned to Lumberton, I told my family the story about my napkin.  To this day, when we sit at a table with cloth linens in a nice restaurant, someone will usually say, "You-ah NAP-KIN" while staring at someone's napkin across the table.  But beyond that, they don't give me a hard time about it.

Another Graduation Trip Planned

Planning has taken place and almost the only the thing left to do now is to start the traveling.  My only niece, Rebecca presented me with a complete change in plans last week.  I thought we would be going on a cruise during the fall.  But it turns out she will be in school in the fall and she didn't want to go on a cruise anyway.  In fact she doesn't even want to spend her vacation near a beach.  I'm not sure where she came from or how we can possibly be related.  But there you have it.

So instead of a November cruise out of Houston on Princess, we'll be leaving later this month and heading to.... are you ready for this?  New York and Boston!  For several years, I have had a policy against going to the Northeast in the middle of the summer.  There are only five people alive who could talk me into it.  They all have a last name in common.  The main plan of the trip is to go to a Yankees game and a Red Sox game. So, the trip is booked and paid for.  The baseball tickets have been purchased.  We'll be seeing the Yankees take on the Mariners and the Red Sox take on the Rays.  We haven't decided on a play yet.  I really want to see Kinky Boots but the tickets for that are super expensive.  So, unless we can get discount tickets somehow, I don't see that happening.  Maybe we can get some discount tickets the day that we plan to go to the play.

I've been to NY more times than I have kept up with.  So, I booked us on one of those all day Grayline tours.  I'm thinking I might be able to get some reading done during that.  It includes a boat ride past the Statue of Liberty and a trip up to the Top of the Rock.  I'm thinking that if we do that it might mean we can skip going to the top of the Empire State Building.  It's not that I have anything against the ESB.  I just don't ever want to have to pay all that money to have to stand in line for hours again.  The major difference between this trip to NYC and all the others I've been on is that after 3 nights, we'll be leaving on Amtrak from Penn Station and heading to Boston.

I've never been to Boston.  I'm sort of looking forward to it.  The only thing is that we only have two nights there and we will be at Fenway Park one of those nights.  So, I don't think we'll get to see too much.  Maybe Boston is a city that doesn't require much time.  But I sort of doubt that.  The good thing is that our hotel seems to be located very well.  In fact both of our hotels are located in good areas.  In NYC we'll be staying at The Manhattan at Times Square.  It seems like a nice hotel.  In Boston we're staying at The Midtown.  I'm going to have to do some research before I decide what we'll do in Boston.  So, other than the Red Sox tickets I haven't planned anything for that leg of the trip yet.  I'm sure that Rebecca will have thoughts on what we need to do too.

The train ride form NY to Boston should be fun too.  I rode on Amtrak a few times when I was a kid.  But somehow I think NY to Boston will be much more exciting than Houston to Temple.  Ya know?  The most challenging part of the trip is that we have to do it all with only carry-on luggage.  Our Amtrak trip doesn't allow checked luggage.  So, that means that there can be NO checked luggage for the entire trip.  I'm not sure how I'm going to get a teenage girl through New York and Boston with one rolling carry on and a backpack.  Wish me luck!

Well, I better shut this down for today.  Mom and Dad are heading into town this afternoon and we are going to the Rangers game this afternoon.  I'm so excited!  It's fedora night at the Ballpark!!!!  Woohoo!!!!  Have a good Tuesday.

Let Me Tell You a Little About Corsica

The Tour de France began on Saturday.  This is always a big time of year for me (I watch nearly every moment of it) not because I am really into cycling or anything.  I could never be that into anything that involves so much exercise.  No, my main interest is based on the fact that the cyclists ride past so many amazing views.  I watch it every year and add new places I'd like to go to my list.  The most recent of those places is Corsica.  Since Saturday the cyclists have been riding around the tiny French island located in the Mediterranean closer to Italy than mainland France.

In the last couple of days I've learned that there is more to Corsica than just beautiful views and amazing beaches.  Although, what more do you need?  For instance, did you know that both Napoleon and Christopher Columbus were from Corsica?  It's an island that today only has a population of 302,000 and yet two of the most famous men in history came from there.  I actually have an ancient coin from Columbus' native city of Calvi when the island was ruled by the Republic of Genoa during Columbus' lifetime.  By the time Napoleon was born in Ajaccio (pronounced A-jack-ci-o) it had become an independent republic briefly (the Republic of Corsica) and then in 1769, the same year Napoleon was born there, it became a part of France.

It is the most mountainous island in the Mediterranean and is one of the only French regions that retains it's own language for everyday usage.  About 10% of the population still speaks Corsican as a first language and about 50% of the population have some proficiency in the language.  Oh!  Here's one more little tidbit, there are a lot of fortress ruins along the coastline.  The reason they had so many fortresses along the coast was because they were very susceptible to attacks from Barbary pirates from the African coast.  Arrrrgh!!!!  Now, all of that might seem boring to you.  But if you combine the fact that Columbus was from there with the photos that I'm about to show you, you might begin to think this is a pretty cool places....  Take a look at these.

So, that's about all I have for you on Corsica.  If you require more than that to become obsessed with it as I have become then I can't help you.  I was captivated after a single photo.  So, tomorrow the cyclists will be on the mainland.  Maybe that will provide a new topic.  Let's see where those steroid popping guys take us in the next three weeks.

Top 5 - Bottom 5 Things About a Beach Vacation

We've proven once again that everybody loves a list.  So, let's just go for broke and make the entire week nothing but lists.  Today I'm going to list the 5 best things and the 5 worst things about a beach vacation.  I know what your thinking.  There are 5 bad things about a beach vacation??!!!?!?!?!?  But you might be surprised.  Quite frankly, I can come up with 5 bad things about any topic you give me with just a little effort.  I mean, seriously, there's always something to whine about, right?  As with all lists, this is entirely my personal opinion.  It's my blog so my opinions matter most.  In fact, they are the only ones that come into play.  So, if you don't like my rankings, get your own blog.

Top 5 Things About a Beach Vacation

1.  You're on a beach and you don't have to work.  Enough said.
2.  Umbrella drinks!
3.  Hot guys - No shirts!
4.  Cabana boys!
5.  The relaxing sound of the surf crashing against the shore.

Bottom 5 Things About a Beach Vacation

1.  Next week you're going to have to work twice as much to get caught back up.
2.  Sand.... EVERYWHERE!
3.  That moment when you get hit by a big wave and suddenly realize that your Channel sunglasses are no longer on your head.
4.  The 500th time in a single week that you hear that "Hot Hot Hot" song....
5.  Fat old men in Speedos.

I must say that when I was working on this list, the bottom 5 things were easier to think of than the top 5 things.  But even if I listed 25 bad things about a beach vacation I would still rather be there than any place on earth just because of the number 1 thing about a beach vacation.... No matter what happens, you are still on a beach and you don't have to work.

Have a great Wednesday and I hope you don't get accosted by a camel roaming through your office today asking what day it is....

How to Piss a Hotel Full of People Off In 10 Easy Steps

It's interesting to me how many of you were all over learning of ways to piss off an airplane full of people in 10 easy steps.  I got more readers on that than on anything I have posted in weeks!  I can do tons of research on really amazing places, but it turns out that you just want to know how to piss people off.....  Well... if that's what you want to know, you have come to the right place my friends.  I have more knowledge on that topic than any other I am likely to ever write about.  I'm practically an authority on the topic.  Ask anyone I have ever dated, most of the people I have worked with or my parents.  I'm like an idiot savant when it comes to pissing people off.

So now I'm trying to figure out what other areas of travel people can be pissed off in.....  Well, it turns out that it's quite easy to piss people off in hotels.  Believe me....  It's happened to me on more than one occasion.  I'm pretty sure I told you all once before about the time when people kept me up very late one night at the old Sheraton Park Central in Dallas when I had to be at an early meeting the next day.  That was the occasion when I set the alarm for the radio to come on just before 7 AM with the volume turned up to the max just before leaving the hotel and placed the alarm clock in the drawer of the night stand so that it wouldn't be easily found and then checked out.  The thing is that if you plan to party as loudly as possible on a week night in a nice hotel that business people frequent and do so until after 3 AM, you should also plan to be awake at 7 AM when those business people leave for their meetings that they were trying to rest up for.  With that said, I'll now tell you about 10 other ways to piss a hotel full of people off without even really trying.....

10.  As a hotel, take a reservation, insist that if the reservation isn't canceled prior to 6 PM on the day of arrival the customer will be charged.  But when the exhausted traveler arrives at 8 PM for the reservation, inform him/her that you have no rooms available.  REALLY???!?!?!?!  You've charged me for a room that I am not allowed to sleep in?????  When this happened to me, I had a reservation for 4 nights.  The hotel informed me that they would send me off to a much nicer hotel for the first night of my reservation at their expense but then I would have to come back to their hotel for the other three nights.  You would be surprised at how forceful I can be when you tell me that you've charged me but given away my room and now I have to get back in my rental car and drive down the road to a nicer hotel, but I have to come back this "miserable rat trap" in 24 hours hoping that you haven't given my room away again (Okay, I'll admit now that the Sheraton in question was actually a very nice one and was not a "miserable rat trap" but for the purposes of my argument at the time, I might have exaggerated slightly.  Hey!  Don't judge me, it won the argument!).  I wound up in the nicer hotel for all 4 nights at the Sheraton's expense.  Thanks Sheraton!

9.  Immediately following a very long week for many adult business people schedule a prom in your hotel and make sure that you have no one watching the fire alarms near where all the drunk teenagers are imbibing.  For me one Saturday night this resulted in not one but two walks down 14 flights of stairs after midnight while firefighters walked around looking for a non-existent fire and drunk kids stood around giggling.  Fun times....

8.  Make sure that the photos you post on your hotel website are from just after the last remodel sometime in the 1970's.  After all the hotel always looks it's best right after a remodel and nobody wants to see photos of the unsightly rooms as they actually look now.... right?  You're doing the customer a service!

7.  As a hotel guest, bring as many kids with you as you can find when you check in.  Round up the neighbors kids if necessary.  The key to pissing off the other occupants of the hotel is as many rowdy kids as you can find.  So bring them all with you and insist on a quiet room as far away from the elevators and ice machine as possible (you know, so the precious little ones aren't awakened during the night).  Then approximately every 30 minutes throughout the night, have a group of the kids race down the hall stomping and screaming to get another bucket of ice out of the machine that is conveniently located right against the wall that my bed butts up to.  Ahhhhhh.... kids are precious, aren't they?

6.  Can't find kids to bring with you?  Worry not, adults work just fine.  Go out.... have a few drinks!  Then come stumbling back into the hotel at approximately 3 AM.  Once you get in the hall just outside of your room, remember suddenly that you forgot to tell "Joe" who you are traveling with but whose room happens to be on the other end of the hallway, to meet you downstairs for breakfast at 10 AM.  But here's the thing.  You should never inconvenience yourself by walking down the hall and speaking to him quietly or by walking in your room, picking up the phone and calling his room.  Nope!  Just shout down the hall, with as country of an accent as you can muster up yelling "HEY JOE!!!!  MEET ME DOWNSTAIRS TOMORROW AT 10 IN THE RESTAURANT!!!!"

5.  Once you have made your breakfast arrangements with Joe, proceed to walk into your room letting the door slam behind you for effect.  Then turn your TV on and make sure the volume is at the max so that you can hear it while you shower.  Your neighbors will LOVE this!

4.  Does that hotel room you are staying in have a balcony?  Then you are probably going to want to slide that door going outside open and closed at least 50 times throughout the night.  Make sure that each time you close it, you close it extra hard so that no air escapes the room... in the 50 times that you open and close it.  While you're out on that balcony, be sure you have several very loud conversations.  If there is no one in your room with you to talk to on the balcony, then just start yelling at the people walking around on the ground.  Whether you know them or not, just shout out.  They'll probably stop and have a conversation with you.

3.  Are you staying in one room while your friends are staying in another?  Pick up the phone and call them at all hours of the night.  But here's the key, make sure that you let the phone ring at least 30 times before you come to the conclusion that they must not be in the room and hang up.  After all the room is almost 100 square feet in size, so it's probably going to take them a while to get to the phone after they hear it.

2.  If you are staying on a upper floor, make sure that when you walk across your room you do your world famous elephant impersonation.  You know the one where you stomp along and people can hear you coming from miles away???!!?!?  The people trying to sleep below you will get a real kick out of that.

1.  NEVER, EVER, EVER.... use your inside voice.  Inside voices are for children, not adults and don't you go forgetting it just because you have checked into a hotel with paper thin walls and other people who might want to sleep.  After all, you paid for that room.... you should be aloud to talk as much and as loudly as you wish!  It's all about you and you should NEVER forget that!

How To Piss Off A Plane Full Of People In 10 Easy Steps

....And the Consequences....

My regular travel buddy is in Puerto Rico right now with her nephew Geoff.  She took him for graduation.  Isn't that nice?  I wish she was my aunt.  Or I wish I was my aunt..... but I digress.  This is not what we are talking about today.  Yesterday she texted me from the airplane at 1:30.  They were supposed to have taken off at 1:05 PM.  (I know this because I am their travel agent and am currently looking at the booking.)  I'm not sure what time they got on the plane, but they were apparently still sitting on the tarmac 25 minutes after they were scheduled to take off and she said it was hot and the people behind her were annoying.....  Okay, that's not really what she said.  Here's an exact quote:  "Ugh still sitting on the plane.  Hot!!!!  You would kill the people behind me.  He is obnoxious and they are playing music... Heard of ear buds??  Yikes.  But.... Still on vacation!"  Apparently, immediately after sending me this text they were told to put electronic devices away because I texted her several times immediately after getting the text and never got a response.

I was struck by several things from the text.  One was that she assumed I was the one who would turn homicidal on an airplane.  Do I really fly off the handle so easily that my friends assume I would stand up on a plane full of people and commit murder?  I find that hard to believe since just yesterday in my personal blog, I stated that I was unable to kill a tarantula in my garage because it was big and would have made a mess.  Therefore, I could never kill a human because they are even bigger and would leave an even larger mess!  I mean, this isn't rocket science.... humans bleed.... a lot!  And I can't even watch a movie where people get shot because of the blood and guts that you see.  How could I possibly create that mess myself.  But again....  I digress!

Another thing that struck me about the text was that she still had her positive "I'm on vacation attitude" that can remain in place through a lot.  That's good.  You need that attitude at the beginning of a vacation that involves flight because most people are really rude and stupid.

The last thing that struck me about her text and my topic for today is this....  How can members of our society be so self absorbed that they fail to recognize that there are other people around them and although in their tiny little minds they are the lead actor in this little movie called My Life, none of the rest of us purchased a ticket for the movie and we sure as hell don't want to watch it?  So, because of this, I decided to make my blog today about the top 10 things that people do on planes (and in airports) that really piss people off and what might happen to you if you do them around just the right people.  I think the one that Jenny brought up, listening to a personal electronic device of any kind without ear buds will probably fall pretty close to the top of the list but it is definitely NOT number 1.  There could never be a question about number 1.  So without further ado, I present you with HOW TO PISS OFF A PLANE FULL OF PEOPLE IN 10 EASY STEPS....


10.  Be one of the first people on the airplane and make sure that your seat is in the very back, but place your big bulky carry-on luggage that probably doesn't even fit within the size restrictions in the overhead compartment directly above my seat (20 rows in front of you) filling it up so that I can't use it and have to put mine 4 rows back making it impossible for me to disembark when the plane lands.  

The consequences of this action can vary depending on my mood.  Either I can tell the people behind me to go ahead of me because I can't get to my carry-on which is 4 rows behind me, OR I make eye contact with a tall person in the row that my carry-on is above and ask them politely to please hand me that cute hardside, herringbone print, rolling bag above them, OR I rudely scale 4 rows of seats standing on the backs of them while holding onto the overhead compartment and pull my bag free possibly hitting an innocent bystander in the head.

That last possibility is optimal since it would succeed in pissing the most people off and after all the name of the game is pissing off a plane full of people.  But again, that would depend on your mood and also whether or not you have chosen to wear a skirt on this flight.  

9.  As soon as the person announcing the boarding procedures picks up the mic to talk, regardless of where you are sitting, which boarding group you are in or anything else, immediately stand up and rush toward her crowding out all the priority boarding passengers and people who are supposed to board before you.  Then stack your oversized carry-on's in the floor all around you to further block things off and sneer at the first class passengers and handicapped people as they walk and wheel themselves around your big bulky ass.

The only major consequence of this action for you might be that as some of the healthier people make their way around you, they might "bump" into you inadvertently or possibly knock one of your bags over causing a person in a wheel chair to maybe run over it.  But those are small prices to pay in insuring that it continues to be all about you.

8.  As soon as you arrive at the airport, go get the biggest cup of coffee you can find then make your way to the boarding area.  Once there, put your oversized carry-on (that probably contains illegal substances) in one chair, pull your laptop out of another carry-on bag and place that bag in a chair on the other side of you, then  balance your coffee precariously in a third chair, whip out your cell phone and start working in your brand new private office as you stretch your legs across the aisle to prop them up on another chair.  The coffee is important in this scenario because it acts as an alarm for the idiot in the business suit on his cell phone who is taking up roughly 10% of all the seating area available to passengers arriving for the flight.  If the cup moves at all, he knows that someone is getting too close to his personal office and he is actually ballsy enough to stop talking on the phone and typing on his laptop for just a second and whisper to you....  "Watch it, don't spill the coffee...." before going back to his phone conversation.

If he is really hot and not wearing a wedding band he could survive this without any coffee dripping off of his high priced suit.  But chances are, my cute little hardside, herringbone print rolling bag is going to bump the chair containing his coffee as I walk away.  So be prepared.

7.  Bring a newborn infant on the plane with you and whatever you do, make sure that the baby gets a good long nap just before boarding so that it can remain awake throughout the flight.  If you could also make sure that it is VERY hungry when you board and fail to bring along the correct formula or just refuse to feed the baby during the trip, that'd be great.....  Thanks s'much.

Consequences....  I'm programming the number for CPS in my cell phone as I type this.

6.  Come running on the airplane last just before they close the doors and have two carry-on's.  One that needs to go in an overhead bin is a must.  Also, if you could be wearing a business suit so that you need to take the jacket off and place it in an overhead bin very neatly after making sure that you get perfect creases in just the right spots, that'd be great.....  Take your time!  The plane can't leave while you're standing up anyway.  So you stand there as long as you like looking for a place to put all of your stuff.  Call a couple of flight attendants over.  Depending on the fit of your suit they'll be sure and move my carry-on back a few rows behind me so that you can get yours right where you want it.

Consequences for this one can be found following Step #10.

5.  Once you are on the airplane, immediately pull your cell phone out and push a button to start talking.  Then talk in your loudest possible voice as though you are using a tin can and a piece of string to communicate with someone in China.  Be sure and talk with authority and about large sums of money so that everyone on the plane knows exactly how important you are.

No major consequences here unless you were hoping to go out with any woman on the plane.  They won't be able to go out with you because they can't stop rolling their eyes long enough to make eye contact with you when you approach them.

4.  If you are seated in a window seat, take a laxative just before boarding the plane so that you will be forced to get up and make everyone else in your row get up the maximum number of times while you go back and forth to the lavatory.  Make sure that the final time you force everyone up is just after the captain has turned on the fasten your seatbelt sign and announced that we are making our final approach.

You may or may not be able to get back into your seat that final time.  Perhaps the plane will just go ahead and land while you get thrown around in the lavatory.  Worst case scenario, maybe you become famous because the plane must circle the airport again and make another approach while we wait for a group of angry passengers to tackle you and drag you back to your seat and buckle you in.

3.  If you are seated in the middle of the row, look around you at the passengers on either side.  Are they wearing ear buds and seemingly engrossed in a book?  If so, EXCELLENT!  This is a sign that they want to spend the next few hours of their life learning all about your business as a fertilizer salesman.  Start talking to the one who looks the least interested very loudly so that they can be sure and hear you over whatever they are listening to on those ear buds.  Take my word for it, they'll appreciate it.

There are really no consequences for this action anymore since the TSA took knives and box cutters out of the equation a number of years ago.  So knock yourselves out!

2.  It doesn't matter where you are seated for this one.  As soon as you are seated, pull out your personal electronic device that you brought along for the journey and turn it on.  Turn the volume up and DO NOT insert ear buds.  Chances are, everyone around you WANTS to listen to the movie or music that you brought along for entertainment.  Hey you're performing a service and don't you forget it!  Oh!  I almost forgot.... when something good happens in your movie laugh really loudly and comment on it to all the other people around.  They LOVE that!

You might find out that your compact DVD player can actually become much more compact than you ever expected.  In fact, it might fit into an orifice of your body that you never anticipated when all is said and done.

1.  When you get off of the plane, be sure to have everyone you have ever met, wives, husbands, life partners, children, distant cousins, everyone, meet you in baggage claim.  Then shove your way up to the carousel bringing all your family and friends with you to take up all the space so that no one else from your flight can get to the area.  Stack all of your carry-on's around you to act as further protection for the baggage claim area.  You must guard it at all costs and keep all other passengers from being able to approach it.  Stand and chat with your family and friends as the baggage goes around the carousel several times not paying attention to whether or not your luggage is going around.  Your goal here is simply to block everyone else from getting their checked luggage and exiting the airport.  Do whatever it takes.  This is your final chance to piss people off and you have to take advantage of it.  After 10 minutes of this, say very loudly to the people with you, "has anyone seen my bag yet?"  When they all respond negatively, describe the single suitcase that the 15 people have arrived to help you collect.  It will be the brown and white polk-a-dot one that has gone around the carousel 5 times in the last 10 minutes.

The consequence for this action could be pretty ugly depending on what else your fellow travelers have endured before, during and after their flights.  All I'm saying is before you start across the cross walk as you exit the terminal, look both ways....